I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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