A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
