You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
