When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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