i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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