i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
