fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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