I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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