not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
