Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
