why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
