It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
