i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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