what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
