Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Terrible idea I love it
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
