i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
