I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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