i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
