There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
