Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
