omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
