my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
