i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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