It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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