3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
