At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
