he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
