you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
