Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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