Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
