and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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