dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
