you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
