i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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