Where is the hickey?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Please don't give away my fajitas
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
