haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
