I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
