im six kinds of drunk right now
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
