she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
