Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
