i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
