sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
lets start a swedish sibling band together
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
