this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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