tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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