We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
