I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
