That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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