Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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