I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
