we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
